I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
