The brown eye won't let me do that either.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's shark week go big or go home
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
