billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
