I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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