If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
