did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
