Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
