Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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