just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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