i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
