I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
