please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
