He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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