My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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