Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
