A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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