he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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