Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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