Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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