My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
