Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
