i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
