please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
