then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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