There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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