I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
