Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
