so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
