I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
