Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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