she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
