Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
