can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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