So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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