Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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