I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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