Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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