I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's always time for handjobs
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
