everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
