i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
