Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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