i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
