My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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