if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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