Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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