There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
