i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
