yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
