i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
