I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
