someone get that fucking seahorse.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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