So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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