so let's talk penis.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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