The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
