I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
