i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
