6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
